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Thursday, 24 December 2009

Nick said I deflate his ego. :[ I feel like the worst wife ever... He's never had much of one to start with. :[ :[ :[

Monday, 14 December 2009

I am sad and exhausted. If the earth could just swallow me up whole right now, that might be good.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

"I hated labels anyway. People didn't fit in slots -- prostitute, housewife, saint -- like sorting the mail. We were so mutable, fluid with fear and desire, ideas and angles, changeable as water."

Friday, 11 December 2009

Ouch.
Big headache.
Well, today was okay! Only had one class and a Christmas party party instead of drill. It was real, live, actual fun, though--not mandofun. :] All the families and babies were there and I got to spend a lot of time with the moms and newborns. :] I adore both. Also, I won a penguin blanket from Dirty Santa. I didn't bring a gift to play and I told them that but somehow they had extra gifts and even though I told them over and over that I shouldn't get a present, they wanted me to have the Penguin blanket b/c they know I love them so much. :]
Of course, being the airhead that I am, I always have to do something stupid to ruin a perfectly good day. Not only did I drink way more soda than I knew I could handle, I scarfed down a few of those gigantic fudge and caramel cookies with icing on top. Geez. Well, needless to say within an hour or so I felt like death. I don't know how to explain it. It's like how you feel after you don't eat for a whole day then wake up the next morning feeling weak and shakey and headache-y and just all and out terrible. So after the Christmas party, Sylvia invited me to go to O'Connell's with Hart and the active duty and even though I felt so awful, I thought I might save myself by getting a nice big chicken sandwich or something so that I didn't have just pure sugar sitting in my stomach. So I went and did just that but I guess I was already too late. I threw up in the restroom at O'Connell's and left my money with Sylvia to take care of the check because I knew I was feeling very, very, very bad--even for me. So I drove home and threw up again when I got home until I was dry-heaving. But then I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Well, really, I just felt like I couldn't breathe period. Like there was a leak in my lungs and I couldn't get enough air into them no matter how hard I tried. Before I knew it I was hyperventilating and my feet were cramping up BAD. My face went numb, my brain felt fuzzy, my eyelids were twitching, and just every part of my body felt like it was falling asleep--you know that feeling when your foot or hand falls asleep? Yeah... Well, I couldn't calm myself down for anything so I called my parents. They reminded me to breathe into a bag but all I had were plastic bags and they weren't really working right. Anyway, so I started trying to move around so my feet wouldn't cramp up because it hurt so dang bad and then my phone went dead. So I headed to the room to plug it in and I dunno if maybe the rush of blood to the head coupled with the hyperventilating... Well, the last thing I remember is bending down to plug it in. I came to just a minute later but I guess I must have hit something on the way down because my head is killing me and I have a huge knot on my forehead. Yeah, real attractive. By the time I got my parents on the phone again, they were headed down.They wanted to be sure I was okay. I told them not to but they weren't really listening by that point.
Sigh. I'm an idiot. I get so tired of myself... :[
Anyway, they came down and spent some time with me and left me some advil and they just now left. :[ I feel terrible. My poor mama has to be up in 3 hours. :[ I'm the worst daughter ever...
:[ Well, I just needed to blog about this because I don't plan on telling Nick. He has enough on his plate and I don't want him thinking I'm some sort of drama queen. Well, an even bigger one, anyway.

:[
Ashley

Thursday, 10 December 2009

So--I definitely overreacted in my last blog. Nick is quite busy getting settled in California and that's honestly all that was, I think, because he loves me again now. lol. BUT I would just like to point out that this exactly the reason I have a private xanga that no one I know reads--so that I can vent however I like and say exactly what I'm feeling without having to worry about apologizing to anyone later. Because, well, it's never as bad as it seems--but it still feels pretty bad at the time! Plus, it completely prevented me from blowing up on Nick. I just rode it out. Because always, eventually he seems to know what's been on my mind... It's very strange. I'm very thankful--don't get me wrong! But, well, it makes me wonder how open my thoughts are to him. No one wants anyone in their head 24/7! lol. But I'm not complaining...
He seems to be settling into his job nicely. Okay, not so much settling as being thrown into it--but he hasn't really complained. True to his curious nature, he just seems to be enjoying taking it all in for the moment. He is so amused with all the little differences between enlisted side and dark si--I mean officer side. :] I know that there are some things that have thrown him a little but unlike me, he takes those sorts of things in stride. Whereas I freeze, Nick just sort of pauses, blinks rapidly a couple times (that means he's thinking--heehee. :]), says "Okay, roger that..," and keeps truckin'. That's why he's going to make a good officer--I say 'going' because he hasn't really had the opportunity to actually be the officer yet-- and, well, it's going to be a bumpy take off for me. Sigh. Other than that, I think things are going okay over there-- aside from the fact that his second TMO has not come in and his diet has consisted almost entirely of 'sammiches.' :] (That's what we call it--I dunno why.) But I think all that bothers me more than it does him. I don't like to think of him eating his 10734th sammich on the floor of his barren apartment. My number 1, number 2, and number 3 goals out there are to make his apartment all cozy for him, stock up his kitchen with some easy to cook meals, and show him how to make those meals. That means I'm going to have to stop experimenting with our meals so hopefully it'll build his confidence in my cooking skills. lol! I'm so excited to start decorating his apartment with him. Most of his stuff is old and ready to go so everything we get for his new apartment will eventually be in our forever home, he says. So I'm pretty excited. I think if it is okay with him, I'd like to decorate with some dark blues. :] It's his favorite color and it's been mine as well since the wedding. :] Hopefully we will not be hurting for money anymore by the time I get there. :[
Well, I had a lot more to blog about but I think I'm finally getting tired. Ttyl.

Ashley